Topics for the ‘Relationships’ Category


How to get over the guy, that’s no good for you.


You have loved him and you have hated him. You have laughed, cried, made adjustments, compromises; but the relationship just doesn’t work out.

It seems that you have tried everything to make it better

but, nothing seems to work.


And sometimes you see glimpses of hope, yet they are quickly shattered.

And you promise yourself that this will be the last time, yet, it isn’t.

You spend countless nights thinking, “what’s wrong with me?” “I need to let go of this already” but your heart still yearns for him.


Why is it so confusing and difficult?


One of the reasons that letting go is tough is because neurons that fire together wire together. Basically, it becomes a habit.


What that means is that your experiences become embedded in a network of brain cells and each time you repeat a particular thought or action, you strengthen the connection between your neurons.

So, the more you think of him, the more he will still be around- at least in your head.

The good news is that once you stop focusing your attention on him, the connection will weaken and letting go will be easier.


Here are some ways to let him go, opt-out, process the loss, accept and move on:


1) Stop calling, texting, emailing, or checking on him via social media. That reinforces your neuron loop.


2) Stop analyzing the situation. If you need to do it one more time then, make it final. Come to a conclusion. It helps to write down all the reasons that this relationship does not work out for you. Why are you not happy? Get clear.

Let go of the fantasies, the “what if’s” and “if only” and the rationalizing of unacceptable behavior.


3) Don’t blame yourself or second-guess yourself. Nobody’s perfect. Perhaps you have made some mistakes, but regardless, you deserve better. Accept this relationship as an experience. Ask yourself, what can I learn from this?


4) Show yourself some love. Do things that feed your spirit and make you happy. Sometimes the smallest things have the biggest impact. Reconnect with yourself.


5) If you find yourself obsessing, start practicing mindfulness. Take a deep breath. Say, STOP out loud to yourself and visualize a stop sign.

Now, divert your attention to your breath as it flows in and out. Stay in the present moment. Repeat to yourself, “I choose healthy & happy”.

When you obsess about something, it is a situation from the past that you are still attached to in an unhealthy manner. Let it go!


He’s not the one. Let him go.

Make space for something better.


Develop a new mantra ~ I Choose Healthy & Happy ~

Why Do People Cheat?

Why do people cheat in a relationship? It’s a conscious act. They know what they are doing. It’s considered cheating when your partner is not informed or in agreement with your lack of loyalty, physically or emotionally. Yet, it is not always easy to figure out how it came to be.

Physical infidelity is getting involved in a physically sexual manner with someone who is not your monogamous partner. Emotional infidelity is when you make an emotional romantic investment, without the physical component, with someone else. Emotional infidelity is not as clear-cut as physical infidelity. It tends to develop slowly and can be a gateway to physical infidelity.

There are numerous reasons why someone cheats, including:

  • Sexual desire for someone else
  • Sexual addiction
  • Dissatisfaction with themselves
  • Dissatisfaction with their partner and relationship
  • Anger
  • Revenge
  • Boredom and seeking a novel experience
  • Thrill
  • Emotional disconnection
  • Opportunity
  • A sense of entitlement
  • Learned behavior from a parent
  • Low self esteem and insecurity
  • Feeling overwhelmed in the current relationship

But, what about love? Can you cheat on your partner and still love them?

The short answer is, “it depends”. We are human. People make mistakes. It really depends on a variety of factors – the circumstances, the reasons, and certainly the way you define love.

Infidelity is complicated. It elicits strong emotions from both the person cheating as well as the partner who has been cheated on and no matter who does it or why, it’s going to impact your relationship.

Many relationships end due to infidelity and others renew and thrive. Understanding the dynamics of what went wrong is the first step towards recovery.


Celebrate Self- Love

…Because self-love extends from how we treat ourselves to how we relate to everything and everyone around us.

It’s a small shift in perspective, prompted by a smile or a kind gesture or a “just because” moment that creates magical ripples.

Love requires action and it can be expressed easily through sharing and caring. It inspires kindness, connection and gratitude. It feels good for us. It feels good for others.

Self-love is contagious.

The moment we start celebrating love for ourselves, experiences shift.

Relationships blossom. Health improves. And life begins to feel ridiculously good.

So honor who you are. Stay true to your needs. Do what truly feels right for you. Do it with grace, do it with ease. Do it for others.

Loving yourself is not a one-time event and it certainly does not have conditions. It’s a natural, non-selfish way to attract love and spread love to those around us.

Self- love comes from within. By loving ourselves, we open the doors for others to do the same.

Celebrate… Expand… Share the love.

5 Ways To Practice Self–Love

1. Treat yourself to simple pleasures daily. Little things that truly satisfy you can brighten up your day and make you feel good. Things like taking a long, relaxing shower or hot bath, going for a morning run, clearing out your desk, making someone smile, or maybe just running around barefoot in the grass with your kids.

2. Talk yourself happy. What you say to yourself can have a powerful impact. Replacing pessimistic, negative language with positive affirmations and self-acceptance is a quick way to increase your well-being. With a positive mental attitude you can conquer most anything.

3. Practice forgiveness. Let go of the past. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Grudges and anger only poison you. To forgive does not mean that you condone the misdeeds of others but it is a way to let go of the pain you carry. Forgiveness is being at peace and not suffering any more. It is a gift for you.

4. Take care of your mind, body and spirit. Your body is your temple. Do it well. What you think and how you process dictates your reality. Create awareness of what you eat, what you drink, notice how you breathe, how well you rest. Make sure to nurture your spirit, for it is what will ground you and keep you connected. Trust yourself to optimize your mind, body and spirit for only you know what it truly needs.

5. Practice gratitude. What are you grateful for? Make it a habit to stop and notice on a daily basis. Counting your blessings is all about appreciation, because nobody owes you anything. It’s not a given. It is a way of acknowledging, connecting and expanding. And, as a side note, science says that practicing gratitude is a simple way to increase happiness.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Buddha

Love and Gratitude

LoveHow much conscious care and nurturing do you give your love relationship?

Do you emotionally feed, water, nurture, play with or tune up your relationship?

The high divorce rate and the increasing number of couples living in unhappy or unhealthy marriages may reflect the lack of care, fault- finding, and emotional neglect in many relationships. Sadly, we typically put lots of time, attention and energy into the beginning of a relationship. Once we make a commitment, get married and settle into life together, the amount and quality of attention and energy decreases. Sometimes couples complain that life gets in the way of maintaining a constant flow of healthy energy and attention. Other priorities like work, children and school all take so much of our time and energy leaving very little for the marriage. We operate from the “squeaky wheel” principle – who or whatever squeaks the loudest or puts the greatest demand gets the attention.  Who or what is “squeaking” in your life? To what are you giving attention in your life?

Gratitude is a rich and powerful food for our spirit. The act of acknowledging gratitude and appreciation activates the law of attraction – what you give attention to, multiplies. What you appreciate in your life, you get more of!! Isn’t that a compelling and interesting fact? Focusing on what you appreciate in your relationship will help those things grow and multiply in your relationship.  Research tells us that an attitude of gratitude can have a positive effect on our thinking, mood and biochemistry. There doesn’t seem to be a down side to appreciation and gratitude.

It is important to tell your partner how much they are appreciated on a consistent basis. Everyone likes to hear kind words of gratitude. Take a moment daily to think of 3 things you are grateful for or appreciate about your partner and have your partner do the same. Perhaps, you can try keeping a gratitude journal together where you write down what you each appreciate. This journal will come in handy on days that you are feeling unappreciated, sad, angry or frustrated. It will actually help you get in a better mood and shift your neurochemistry.

The simple act of consciously focusing on gratitude is one of the best ways to nurture and emotionally feed your love relationship.

Parenting young teens

images (3)Kids need guidance and discipline as they grow into responsible, caring adults. Parenting young teens is not for the faint of heart. It’s hard work. As young teens become more independent your parenting style may change. They need to be given more choices and taught critical thinking skills.

Natural consequences help kids experience the outcome of their actions and learn to be responsible. It helps them discover the benefits of order and rules. As a parent you don’t have to threaten, argue or give in. Instead let them be responsible for what happens.

For example, a natural consequence to not completing their homework or project is having them face their teacher and explain what happened. If, however, you rescue them and help them do it then, they will not learn the lesson and most likely commit the same mistake again.

Logical consequences also work. A logical consequence takes the place of punishment and is practical, enforceable and related to a teen’s behavior. The consequences should be explained ahead of time in a calm, clear and respectful manner. It is important that you inform the child of the reasons for the expected behavior and wanted outcomes.

An example is a teen who arrives home past curfew must have an earlier curfew for a few nights or may lose the use of the car.

Keep in mind that timing is key to the use of natural and logical consequences. Do not try to explain the consequences when you or your teen is angry or upset. It is best to discuss consequences prior to them happening.

As young teens become more independent, they should be given more choices. Keep in mind, kids will make mistakes. It’s ok- that’s how they will learn. The important thing is to make sure they stay safe and to be consistent in your parental guidance and discipline.

Remember the three R’s: related, reasonable, and respectful. The consequence should relate to the behavior, be fair, and show respect for the young teen’s feelings and the right to choose how to behave.

When your college graduate moves back home

Moving backIt used to be that after graduating from college, young adults would set out to create a nest of their own. Today, however, some 30% of young adults move back in with their parents—a higher proportion than any time since the 1950s.

The reasons are well-known: Our young people are flooded with student debt. They’re likely to only be able to get low-paying entry-level jobs or internships. And they can’t afford to pay today’s steep rents—much less buy a home—while they get established and build a fund that can support their independence.

When adult offspring move back in, however, the parent-child relationship can become strained, and the household’s general dynamic might become uprooted. If you have a “boomerang kid” returning home, there are a few things you can do to prepare. Most important is to set clear expectations before they move back in.

The first step is to address financial matters: Will you charge your child a nominal rent to cover their food and utilities? Asking for $100 to $200 per month is fair. If you don’t feel comfortable taking money from your child, consider that you can put that money aside and give it back once he or she moves out. This requires your child to devise some way to be earning money while staying with you.

You may also want to consider asking your child to sign a pre-move-in contract (like a lease) that sets boundaries that are agreeable to everyone. Will there be a time limit to the stay? Three months? Six months? A year? Will you require that your child be pursuing career goals? The contract could also require that your “tenant” do chores such as cleaning, cooking, or grocery shopping. In addition to helping around the house, this prevents you from enabling your child to be a “mooch” and maintains their self-respect as a functioning, contributing adult.

Decide on other rules, too: Are you OK if your child has someone of the opposite sex spend the night? Is there a time you want them to be home by (if only so you don’t have to wait up worrying)? Do you and your partner need time alone in your home at least one night a week? Communicate and agree on these things before your child lugs her suitcase back in.

There should be no guilt for either party in this situation: You did your job as a parent to prepare your son or daughter, so don’t feel bad for standing your ground. Your child is an adult now and needs to act more like a roommate than a dependent. By the same token, don’t make your child feel guilty, ashamed, or like a failure for needing to move back home. Recognize that this might be harder on your child than it is on you.

Finally, remember to make the most of this time together. This person you spent so much time and energy raising may eventually end up moving far away, and this might be your last chance to spend so much time together. So make the time as meaningful as possible: Have fun together, be a moral support system, and make yourself available for conversation and quality time. These could be memories that you’ll cherish once your kid has truly flown the coop—for good.

How to Recognize and Heal Your Abandonment Issues

AbandonmentIf you’re a woman dealing with abandonment issues, know that healing is absolutely possible.

Abandonment issues show up in many ways. The first step is to recognize where these issues originate. More often than not, it’s the result of having an unavailable parent while growing up. Research shows that females who have an absent or unstable father are likelier to have low self-esteem, more unplanned pregnancies, drop out of school, and face poverty. They’re also more likely to be promiscuous, since they look for other males to fill the emptiness.

But the absence of a dad can reveal itself in more subtle ways too. Women tend to choose romantic partners based on their relationship with their father, so if you didn’t get unconditional love and approval from your dad, it can certainly hinder your romantic relationships. If your dad didn’t show you—on a consistent and frequent basis—that he loved and valued you, that he’d protect you, and you could depend on him, you may lack self-confidence, give too much of yourself, stay quiet when you shouldn’t, and have difficulty saying no. You may continue to be scared that people will abandon you and consistently keep trying to prove your worth

—a fear that can lead to depression, codependence, anger, anxiety, or emotional instability.

If you didn’t have the benefit of dependable daily influence from a caring parental figure growing up, however, you can still break the cycle and become the best woman you can be. The key is to work diligently though your abandonment issues. Therapy will focus on both your childhood abandonment trauma as well as your current relationships. You’ll learn to be compassionate toward yourself about your own feelings and memories of abandonment. You’ll also learn how to separate your fear of the past from your present reality, and how to care for yourself by finding a safe and calm center. Soon you’ll be better able to communicate your needs in intimate relationships and develop stronger trust in—and more nurturing relationships with—other people. In short, you’ll be able to shift from being a victim to having a proactive stance.

Forgiving whoever abandoned you (whether it was your dad or someone else)—and forgiving yourself—is part of being able to recognize when related issues are coming up and taking your life in a more positive direction.

How to deal with a declining sex life in marriage


Sex—or, more accurately, the lack thereof—is a huge reason couples come to therapy. It’s not unusual for psychologists to hear couples confessing that they haven’t been intimate in months or years. Or that intimacy has come to involve a lot of resentment or even infidelity.

There are many reasons that lead to a diminishing sex life in marriage. One thing to consider if you’re dealing with lack of sex in your marriage is that stress can have a huge impact on your sex life. Partners react to stress by getting distracted, overworking, and feeling angry or tired—all of which can easily lead to a lack of desire. Stress can also be a key factor in feeling “not in the mood,” or not wanting to be touched.

If either of you have too much stress your lives, try to share what’s really bothering you with your spouse. If the stress is coming from something that the two of you are conflicted about, you can either bring that to therapy or work through it at home, if you’re both committed to listening attentively to each other.

Besides stress, other reasons for a dwindling sex life can include anything from a partner feeling hurt, rejected, unappreciated, or neglected. Communication issues, lack of trust, and the presence of children are also big contributing factors.

To start healing the situation, first know that being anxious about the lack of sex will only make things worse. Try not to think negatively about the situation; instead, focus on creating intimacy. Act to relieve your own stress though whatever means work for you, be it yoga, a bubble bath, reading, exercising, sleeping, eliminating detrimental thinking patterns, and so on. If you need to communicate to your spouse that you’re unsatisfied with your sex life, don’t frame it as a complaint. Use compassion and sweetness with phrasing like, “I miss you.”

Work to help your spouse relieve his or her stress too. Make sure you’re doing fun stuff together—go for a bike ride, take a class, whatever you both enjoy—and make sure to stay connected. Intimacy isn’t all about sex—emotional intimacy can be just as powerful—so remember the importance of doing things like holding hands, taking a bath for two, giving each other massages, and just laughing together.

You can even schedule sex. Sure, it doesn’t sound all that romantic, but sometimes, in hectic lives, actively planning for intimacy can be one of the only solutions. Mark the calendar for “date night”  once a week (or at least once a month) and make it as romantic as possible—candles and music always help—including providing for a clear situation and time when sex can happen.