Helping You Build Healthier Relationships With Yourself and Others

Topics for the ‘Mental Health’ Category

 

Shyness in Children



images (5)If your child suffers from shyness, they are not alone. Recent research suggests that over 50% of the general population currently experiences some degree of shyness in their lives. Many children are shy in situations that are new to them. It can be painful if it continues to adolescence and beyond preventing them from participating fully in most social settings. Being shy is not necessarily a problem, unless it causes distress. Luckily, there are many strategies and options to help overcome shyness.

Here are some tips to help your child:

  • Avoid labeling your child as shy. Reframe it as “reserved” or a “deep thinker”. You can say, “ Johnny likes to listen to others before sharing his views” or “ Mary likes to think before rushing in”.
  • Some kids need time to feel comfortable or warm up, so preparing them on what to expect really helps. Do not rush them into participating.
  • If you are going somewhere new, like school, try to have them meet the teacher and get familiar with the school grounds prior to the fist day of school.  You can also use the Internet to show them pictures of where they will be going, which will give them a general idea.
  • Take time to talk to them about what they could expect socially, in different settings, and how to handle sticky situations. Role-play with them or simply offer suggestions and brainstorm about possible solutions to scenarios.
  • For example, if it is lunchtime and your child isn’t certain where he should sit, he can try preplanning it with someone from class before lunch or identify possible lunch buddies and practice conversation starters that he can use.
  • Help them practice on how to approach other kids and speak up in class. Develop topics of conversation that their peers may find interesting. Using open-ended questions usually prompts conversations.
  • Encourage using “I” statements instead of “you” statements that can often cause others to become defensive.
  • Bring to their awareness social interactions such as using humor, standing up for yourself, saying “no”, asking for something and apologizing as they happen in everyday life.
  • Encourage your child to sign up for some sort of sport, club or extracurricular activity. Whether it’s a team sport or theatre, dance, karate, gymnastics, it will give them the opportunity to interact and have something to talk about with their peers.
  • Shyness and anxiety go hand in hand and many times it is actually not a skill deficit but rather a lack of self-confidence.
  • Remind your child of past successes. Give them confidence but don’t push them. They will evolve gradually when they’re ready.

Above all, love and accept you child’s personality and remind them to do the same. They are their own unique, perfect self.

Stinking Thinking can really make you mad



stinkingthinkingAnger triggering thoughts often distort our view of reality.  Here are some of the most common negative thoughts that feed anger and how to get rid of them.

Blaming. The belief that someone else is responsible for a situation and that you cannot do anything about it. By blaming others you discount that you have the power to make choices that impact your situation. You feel powerless, helpless and stuck. You expect someone else to fix it.

  • Instead think– “What can I do to change this situation?” “ I can do something about this”

Magnifying. The tendency to make mountains out of molehills – to make an uncomfortable situation worst. Using words like “awful, terrible, unbearable, horrible, the worst”, provoke an exaggerated angry response.

  • Instead think– “ How horrible is this, really? “  “It’s irritating but I can handle this”

Universal labels. The use of black and white thinking and judgments – seeing a person as “totally evil” or “completely selfish” and ignoring the good bits.

  • Instead think-  “ This is a problem or a bad choice but he/she is not a horrible person.”

 Misattributions. Jumping to conclusions and mind-reading; assigning negative motivations to the actions of others. You don’t ask for clarification or feedback because you think you already know.

  •  Instead think- What else might be going on? Can there be another explanation?

Overgeneralization- The use of “always”, “never”, “always”, “nobody”, “everybody”. Thoughts like “she’s always late” or “he never listens” fuel the angry situation.

  •  Instead think- “ How often does this happen? Are there times when it hasn’t happened?”

Demanding/Commanding- Imposing your own values and needs on others who may have very different values and needs. Feeling that your needs require other’s compliance.

  • Instead think- “ I would rather things were different but I can get through this.” “Not getting what I want is not the end of the world”

By practicing a bit of mindfulness you can turn around your cognitive distortions immediately and hence, get rid of anger.

Can food affect your happiness?



f2We can increase or decrease our happiness by what we eat. The magical ingredient? Serotonin.

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter and it affects our mood. It helps protect us against depression and anxiety. About 80% of the body’s total serotonin is in our gut in our enterochromaffin cells- where it regulates intestinal movements. It does not cross the blood brain barrier so serotonin that is used inside the brain must be produced within it.

So how do you get serotonin to increase?

Your body will make it by synthesizing the amino acid tryptophan (think turkey, cheese, beef). Tryptophan converts to 5 HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan) which then converts to serotonin.

Serotonin blockers:

• Caffeine
• Alcohol
• Chronic Stress
• Artificial Sweeteners
• Grain based processed carbohydrates

Serotonin enhancers:

• Grass fed beef
• Turkey that grazes
• Organic free range eggs
• Nutritional yeast
• Milk products by grass fed cows
• Nuts and seeds
• Pumpkin
• Bananas
• Flax Seeds

So go ahead and serve some serotonin for dinner tonight and get the proper amino balance for a healthy serving of HAPPY!

Love and Gratitude



LoveHow much conscious care and nurturing do you give your love relationship?

Do you emotionally feed, water, nurture, play with or tune up your relationship?

The high divorce rate and the increasing number of couples living in unhappy or unhealthy marriages may reflect the lack of care, fault- finding, and emotional neglect in many relationships. Sadly, we typically put lots of time, attention and energy into the beginning of a relationship. Once we make a commitment, get married and settle into life together, the amount and quality of attention and energy decreases. Sometimes couples complain that life gets in the way of maintaining a constant flow of healthy energy and attention. Other priorities like work, children and school all take so much of our time and energy leaving very little for the marriage. We operate from the “squeaky wheel” principle – who or whatever squeaks the loudest or puts the greatest demand gets the attention.  Who or what is “squeaking” in your life? To what are you giving attention in your life?

Gratitude is a rich and powerful food for our spirit. The act of acknowledging gratitude and appreciation activates the law of attraction – what you give attention to, multiplies. What you appreciate in your life, you get more of!! Isn’t that a compelling and interesting fact? Focusing on what you appreciate in your relationship will help those things grow and multiply in your relationship.  Research tells us that an attitude of gratitude can have a positive effect on our thinking, mood and biochemistry. There doesn’t seem to be a down side to appreciation and gratitude.

It is important to tell your partner how much they are appreciated on a consistent basis. Everyone likes to hear kind words of gratitude. Take a moment daily to think of 3 things you are grateful for or appreciate about your partner and have your partner do the same. Perhaps, you can try keeping a gratitude journal together where you write down what you each appreciate. This journal will come in handy on days that you are feeling unappreciated, sad, angry or frustrated. It will actually help you get in a better mood and shift your neurochemistry.

The simple act of consciously focusing on gratitude is one of the best ways to nurture and emotionally feed your love relationship.

Parenting young teens



images (3)Kids need guidance and discipline as they grow into responsible, caring adults. Parenting young teens is not for the faint of heart. It’s hard work. As young teens become more independent your parenting style may change. They need to be given more choices and taught critical thinking skills.

Natural consequences help kids experience the outcome of their actions and learn to be responsible. It helps them discover the benefits of order and rules. As a parent you don’t have to threaten, argue or give in. Instead let them be responsible for what happens.

For example, a natural consequence to not completing their homework or project is having them face their teacher and explain what happened. If, however, you rescue them and help them do it then, they will not learn the lesson and most likely commit the same mistake again.

Logical consequences also work. A logical consequence takes the place of punishment and is practical, enforceable and related to a teen’s behavior. The consequences should be explained ahead of time in a calm, clear and respectful manner. It is important that you inform the child of the reasons for the expected behavior and wanted outcomes.

An example is a teen who arrives home past curfew must have an earlier curfew for a few nights or may lose the use of the car.

Keep in mind that timing is key to the use of natural and logical consequences. Do not try to explain the consequences when you or your teen is angry or upset. It is best to discuss consequences prior to them happening.

As young teens become more independent, they should be given more choices. Keep in mind, kids will make mistakes. It’s ok- that’s how they will learn. The important thing is to make sure they stay safe and to be consistent in your parental guidance and discipline.

Remember the three R’s: related, reasonable, and respectful. The consequence should relate to the behavior, be fair, and show respect for the young teen’s feelings and the right to choose how to behave.

New Year’s Intentions, not Resolutions



new yearsHow about starting 2014 with a new intention instead of a resolution? If we set an intention rather than a resolution, we open ourselves up to a variety of possible outcomes, some of which might be more useful than what we imagined.  An intention is not as goal directed as a resolution, so there is less chance of getting stuck or fixated on a particular outcome.

 

Things are always changing, so setting intentions allows flexibility while evolving towards the life you desire. Simple intentions often pave the way for rewarding, long lasting changes.

 

Here are some intentions you may want to consider:

 

  • Pay Attention – We live in a fast paced world and for the sake of time, we often overlook what’s really happening around us. Take time to notice when you’re zoning out or rushing through things. This will make a huge difference in your relationship with others.

 

  • Practice generosity– Generosity can come in many forms: offering a compliment, a gift, assistance or emotional support. We all can benefit from a helping hand and unexpected kindness.

 

 

  • Mind the voices in your head– Don’t indulge in negative self talk or thoughts that keep you stuck in the past or worried about the future. Notice them and when they arise, redirect them with happy alternative thoughts. For example, if you are worried on what can go wrong in a situation, change your thoughts to what could go right. Develop a strong, detailed mental image of the good thought and use it any time the negative thought pops into your head. Remember, the mind is a creature of habit- careful what you feed it.

 

 

Note: Intentions arise from love not fear or scarcity. They make you feel inspired, not stressed. They generate a greater awareness and strengthen the Spirit.

 

 

Many blessings and wishing you a fabulous 2014!

How to help your child manage anger



AngerHelping your child manage anger is often one of the hardest—and best—things we can do as parents. The first thing to recognize is that anger is a clear symptom of the presence of deeper emotions such as frustration, disappointment, fear, and pain. If we as parents acknowledge and name these underlying feelings for our children, their anger should start to dissipate.

Say something like, “I can see that you feel sad that your brother broke your toy.” Hearing the root cause of the anger expressed outright is soothing and will help your child be able to identify and name where the emotion is coming from.

Recognize, too, that anger is a natural emotion and isn’t itself a problem. What is a problem, however, is when it’s expressed inappropriately. If your child is throwing a tantrum, it’s your job to stay calm and speak rationally, setting limits and boundaries: “I can see how angry you are and that’s OK, but you can’t hit people or break things when you feel this way.” Don’t forbid the feeling but do reiterate rules.

Along the same lines, don’t yell at a child who is feeling anger. Being yelled at reinforces his feeling of being in danger, makes him feel less safe, and does nothing to restore the calm for either of you. If you yell, you’re essentially telling your child that yelling is acceptable behavior (it’s not), as well as communicating that anger is a feeling that needs to be responded to in a scary manner.

Instead, when you notice cues that your child is getting upset, stay with her and help her work through her feelings: offer a hug, ask if she wants to leave the situation (if possible), suggest taking a few deep breaths, and make sure she doesn’t feel alone. It’s important to consistently model good behavior: if children see adults handling anger in a healthy way, they’ll learn to do the same. Avoid blaming your children for what they’re feeling, and avoid “time outs” during which you send a child away to be by himself. A much better approach is to let her know you’re there with her, grant permission to feel her feelings and to cry, and make her feel safe expressing her uncomfortable feelings by paying attention to and acknowledging them.

You can also teach your child to notice when she’s getting worked up: If a child knows that increased heart rate, breathing, and an adrenaline rush means that anger is on its way, he’ll be more empowered to manage the emotion before it hits full force. Teach him relaxation techniques that he can do when he senses these cues: breathing, drawing, walking away—whatever works best for him.

To prevent future tantrums, show your child that there are positive ways to express anger. This includes teaching her to control angry impulses and helping her find a solution to problems in the moment, whether it’s asking a sibling to apologize, promising to try to fix the toy, or simply communicating calmly what she’s feeling.

When your college graduate moves back home



Moving backIt used to be that after graduating from college, young adults would set out to create a nest of their own. Today, however, some 30% of young adults move back in with their parents—a higher proportion than any time since the 1950s.

The reasons are well-known: Our young people are flooded with student debt. They’re likely to only be able to get low-paying entry-level jobs or internships. And they can’t afford to pay today’s steep rents—much less buy a home—while they get established and build a fund that can support their independence.

When adult offspring move back in, however, the parent-child relationship can become strained, and the household’s general dynamic might become uprooted. If you have a “boomerang kid” returning home, there are a few things you can do to prepare. Most important is to set clear expectations before they move back in.

The first step is to address financial matters: Will you charge your child a nominal rent to cover their food and utilities? Asking for $100 to $200 per month is fair. If you don’t feel comfortable taking money from your child, consider that you can put that money aside and give it back once he or she moves out. This requires your child to devise some way to be earning money while staying with you.

You may also want to consider asking your child to sign a pre-move-in contract (like a lease) that sets boundaries that are agreeable to everyone. Will there be a time limit to the stay? Three months? Six months? A year? Will you require that your child be pursuing career goals? The contract could also require that your “tenant” do chores such as cleaning, cooking, or grocery shopping. In addition to helping around the house, this prevents you from enabling your child to be a “mooch” and maintains their self-respect as a functioning, contributing adult.

Decide on other rules, too: Are you OK if your child has someone of the opposite sex spend the night? Is there a time you want them to be home by (if only so you don’t have to wait up worrying)? Do you and your partner need time alone in your home at least one night a week? Communicate and agree on these things before your child lugs her suitcase back in.

There should be no guilt for either party in this situation: You did your job as a parent to prepare your son or daughter, so don’t feel bad for standing your ground. Your child is an adult now and needs to act more like a roommate than a dependent. By the same token, don’t make your child feel guilty, ashamed, or like a failure for needing to move back home. Recognize that this might be harder on your child than it is on you.

Finally, remember to make the most of this time together. This person you spent so much time and energy raising may eventually end up moving far away, and this might be your last chance to spend so much time together. So make the time as meaningful as possible: Have fun together, be a moral support system, and make yourself available for conversation and quality time. These could be memories that you’ll cherish once your kid has truly flown the coop—for good.

How to Recognize and Heal Your Abandonment Issues



AbandonmentIf you’re a woman dealing with abandonment issues, know that healing is absolutely possible.

Abandonment issues show up in many ways. The first step is to recognize where these issues originate. More often than not, it’s the result of having an unavailable parent while growing up. Research shows that females who have an absent or unstable father are likelier to have low self-esteem, more unplanned pregnancies, drop out of school, and face poverty. They’re also more likely to be promiscuous, since they look for other males to fill the emptiness.

But the absence of a dad can reveal itself in more subtle ways too. Women tend to choose romantic partners based on their relationship with their father, so if you didn’t get unconditional love and approval from your dad, it can certainly hinder your romantic relationships. If your dad didn’t show you—on a consistent and frequent basis—that he loved and valued you, that he’d protect you, and you could depend on him, you may lack self-confidence, give too much of yourself, stay quiet when you shouldn’t, and have difficulty saying no. You may continue to be scared that people will abandon you and consistently keep trying to prove your worth

—a fear that can lead to depression, codependence, anger, anxiety, or emotional instability.

If you didn’t have the benefit of dependable daily influence from a caring parental figure growing up, however, you can still break the cycle and become the best woman you can be. The key is to work diligently though your abandonment issues. Therapy will focus on both your childhood abandonment trauma as well as your current relationships. You’ll learn to be compassionate toward yourself about your own feelings and memories of abandonment. You’ll also learn how to separate your fear of the past from your present reality, and how to care for yourself by finding a safe and calm center. Soon you’ll be better able to communicate your needs in intimate relationships and develop stronger trust in—and more nurturing relationships with—other people. In short, you’ll be able to shift from being a victim to having a proactive stance.

Forgiving whoever abandoned you (whether it was your dad or someone else)—and forgiving yourself—is part of being able to recognize when related issues are coming up and taking your life in a more positive direction.

Sleep problems and ADHD



SleepADHD affects more than just kids’ waking hours. And in turn, sleep deprivation can make kids’ attention problems worse.

The same regions of the brain regulate both attention and sleep, so it’s harder for children with ADHD to switch into bedtime mode. Depending on which study you read, anywhere from 20 to 45% of children with ADHD have regular difficulty falling or staying asleep—that’s at least three times the rate of other children! To make matters worse, once they’re asleep, they stay that way for a shorter amount of time, and often still feel tired when they wake up. Research has shown that those diagnosed with ADHD can even have abnormal REM (rapid eye movement) patterns during sleep. Given all this, it’s easier to understand that kids with ADHD may, in addition to the other things they deal with, also be chronically sleep deprived. They’re more likely to accumulate sleep debt, which can affect the brain even more than the ADHD does.

Sometimes kids are even misdiagnosed with ADHD when what they really have is a sleep disorder. Then they’re given medications which can make the problem even worse. If your child is diagnosed with ADHD, make sure doctors have ruled out sleep issues, since improper sleep patterns can cause behavior that looks suspiciously like ADHD—but isn’t. Unlike adults, when kids are sleep-deprived, they get hyper, moody, and have trouble paying attention.

Common sleep interferences for children usually involve breathing problems, including apnea and snoring. One solution, should doctors deem it necessary, is to remove adenoids or tonsils. But you can help your child get to sleep with less invasive measures: Before resorting to anything drastic, make sure that your child has a set evening routine and a realistic, enforceable, dependable bedtime. Don’t let your child use electronics in bed, or up to an hour before bed. Try using relaxing essential oils, such as lavender, to trigger that “bedtime” feeling, and make your child’s room cooler by turning on the air conditioner a few degrees colder than usual. Taking an epsom salt bath before bed helps some kids feel relaxed and sleepy and remember to try relaxing breathing techniques and calming visualizations.

If you find that things aren’t improving, consult a professional. Especially if your child has been prescribed medications to manage ADHD, work with the pediatrician or psychiatrist to figure out whether the medications could be causing the sleep problems and explore solutions

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