CREATING METHODS OF HAPPINESS, PEACE & SUCCESS

Topics for the ‘Parenting’ Category

 

Back To School Stress Busters



A new school year can be an exciting, yet stressful time in your child’s life.
Numerous thoughts cross their minds about the Welcome backpossibilities that await them, both academically and socially. For parents, there are stressors too, such as adjusting to schedules, additional demands and having your child out of your care. As a family, this is a great opportunity to strengthen your connection as you support each other through this journey. Here are some tips to help you manage the stress:

1. Talk about their school day everyday. Ask questions and really listen. Sometimes, your child may want help brainstorming solutions to a situation and other times they may just want you to listen. During this time give your child your undivided attention. Also remember to share their enthusiasm for all the good things that they experienced.

2. Make sure your child has at least 8-10 hours sleep and all the electronics, including TV are shut off 30 minutes prior to bedtime. Mornings can be easy by creating a morning routine, having them set out their clothes or uniforms, getting backpacks ready and breakfast chosen the night before goes a long way.

3. The best way to immediately tone down your stress level is a few deep breaths. The breath is best inhaled through the nose and exhaled through the mouth. Try this as soon as you feel a stressor.

4. Have your child develop a new mantra “I’ve got this.” This mantra will be useful every time they feel uncertain about something. It is used as a simple reminder that it’s ok, they are going to be fine, they can do it! So, before that test that they studied for- “I’ve got this” – before they go talk to that new someone – “I’ve got this”.

5. Social concerns are high for kids. Remind them that not everyone is going to see eye to eye with them and may not even like them and that’s OK! We are all unique and special and the most important thing is that we like ourselves and are nice and respectful to others. Encourage your child to find a group of friends that they feel comfortable with and remind them that over time they can always choose to develop more friendships.

Prevent the Summer Math Slide



Summer is half way through and as your child gets ready to go back to school in September, it might be a good idea to help them sharpen their math skills.

During summer, kids often forget math computational skills that they learned the previous year. So, it’s a good time to help them regain their memory.

Here are a few tips on how to weave some fun into a math review:

Problem Solving:

Have your child solve everyday math problems, such as:

  • If each candy bar costs $1.29 then how much do 3 candy bars cost?
  • How old will I be when you turn 18?
  • How old will you be in the year 2050?
  • If I were to give you $50 to spend and you had to buy two gifts, one for $15 and the other for $22, then how much money would you have left over?

Money:

  • Count the money in the piggy bank
  • Write out fake checks
  • Make towers of quarters and dimes and guess how much money there is in each tower
  • Let them pay and check the change wherever you go

Math Facts:

  • Ask them the times tables on a random car ride and offer a treat (maybe ice cream) if they get them mostly right
  • Use pizzas, pies, cookies and cakes to review fractions
  • Get a math facts placemat for the dinner table

Digital Practice:

  • Mathisfun.com
  • Fun4thebrain.com
  • Maths Bingo app
  • Virtual Manipulatives app

Kinesthetic Learners:

  • Use clay or Legos
  • Use sand and water to demonstrate volume
  • Use grapes, oranges or any other fruit or vegetable to count, divide or multiply

And of course, there’s the old lemonade stand, which will help your child boost mathematical, measuring and money management skills.

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All is takes is a few minutes everyday to practice math facts to ensure an easy transition into the next school year. Start today.

 

 

Teens “Hooking Up”



Romantic KissHooking up is a trend amongst teens that means “some sort of sexual activity with no strings attached.”  It is like “friends with benefits.” It can include anything from kissing and petting all the way to intercourse. It bypasses all the courting rituals and end eliminates the boyfriend and girlfriend relationship.

Research conducted by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention shows that the likelihood of sex increases with each school grade level, from 32 percent in 9th grade to 62 percent in 12th grade.

So why are teens doing this? Basically, because they like someone, they think it’s ok and everyone else is doing it too. So it comes down to sexual excitement and peer acceptance.  This is fueled by all the media sources portraying sexual provocative images that socialize teens to think of sexual activity as normative. In addition, dating apps such as Tinder make it easy for teens to match up with other teens for sexual relations.

So what do you do as a parent?

First, get informed and develop an on-going, open communication with your teen. Explain to them that sexual activity can have physical and emotional consequences. Most teens don’t think about the emotional consequences. Have an open discussion without getting angry or punitive.

Then, don’t assume your teen is not having sex. Ask. Sex can mean different things to a teen. “Oral sex” may not be considered sex by many teens. Make sure they understand what you mean when you talk about sex. Listen to what they have to say.

Teens “hook up” to feel wanted and fit in as part of what has become socially acceptable by their peer group. It is important to know who your teen’s peer group is and what they are doing and where they are doing it. The most common time and place for teen sex is after school in someone’s house.

Even though it is uncomfortable for many parents to have this conversation with their teen, it actually helps strengthen your relationship.  Ideally the conversation should begin before your child becomes sexually active in any way. Regardless, having insight in your teen’s social life and keeping the communication lines open by listening to them and asking questions is the best way to protect them, both physically and emotionally.

Shyness in Children



images (5)If your child suffers from shyness, they are not alone. Recent research suggests that over 50% of the general population currently experiences some degree of shyness in their lives. Many children are shy in situations that are new to them. It can be painful if it continues to adolescence and beyond preventing them from participating fully in most social settings. Being shy is not necessarily a problem, unless it causes distress. Luckily, there are many strategies and options to help overcome shyness.

Here are some tips to help your child:

  • Avoid labeling your child as shy. Reframe it as “reserved” or a “deep thinker”. You can say, “ Johnny likes to listen to others before sharing his views” or “ Mary likes to think before rushing in”.
  • Some kids need time to feel comfortable or warm up, so preparing them on what to expect really helps. Do not rush them into participating.
  • If you are going somewhere new, like school, try to have them meet the teacher and get familiar with the school grounds prior to the fist day of school.  You can also use the Internet to show them pictures of where they will be going, which will give them a general idea.
  • Take time to talk to them about what they could expect socially, in different settings, and how to handle sticky situations. Role-play with them or simply offer suggestions and brainstorm about possible solutions to scenarios.
  • For example, if it is lunchtime and your child isn’t certain where he should sit, he can try preplanning it with someone from class before lunch or identify possible lunch buddies and practice conversation starters that he can use.
  • Help them practice on how to approach other kids and speak up in class. Develop topics of conversation that their peers may find interesting. Using open-ended questions usually prompts conversations.
  • Encourage using “I” statements instead of “you” statements that can often cause others to become defensive.
  • Bring to their awareness social interactions such as using humor, standing up for yourself, saying “no”, asking for something and apologizing as they happen in everyday life.
  • Encourage your child to sign up for some sort of sport, club or extracurricular activity. Whether it’s a team sport or theatre, dance, karate, gymnastics, it will give them the opportunity to interact and have something to talk about with their peers.
  • Shyness and anxiety go hand in hand and many times it is actually not a skill deficit but rather a lack of self-confidence.
  • Remind your child of past successes. Give them confidence but don’t push them. They will evolve gradually when they’re ready.

Above all, love and accept you child’s personality and remind them to do the same. They are their own unique, perfect self.

Parenting young teens



images (3)Kids need guidance and discipline as they grow into responsible, caring adults. Parenting young teens is not for the faint of heart. It’s hard work. As young teens become more independent your parenting style may change. They need to be given more choices and taught critical thinking skills.

Natural consequences help kids experience the outcome of their actions and learn to be responsible. It helps them discover the benefits of order and rules. As a parent you don’t have to threaten, argue or give in. Instead let them be responsible for what happens.

For example, a natural consequence to not completing their homework or project is having them face their teacher and explain what happened. If, however, you rescue them and help them do it then, they will not learn the lesson and most likely commit the same mistake again.

Logical consequences also work. A logical consequence takes the place of punishment and is practical, enforceable and related to a teen’s behavior. The consequences should be explained ahead of time in a calm, clear and respectful manner. It is important that you inform the child of the reasons for the expected behavior and wanted outcomes.

An example is a teen who arrives home past curfew must have an earlier curfew for a few nights or may lose the use of the car.

Keep in mind that timing is key to the use of natural and logical consequences. Do not try to explain the consequences when you or your teen is angry or upset. It is best to discuss consequences prior to them happening.

As young teens become more independent, they should be given more choices. Keep in mind, kids will make mistakes. It’s ok- that’s how they will learn. The important thing is to make sure they stay safe and to be consistent in your parental guidance and discipline.

Remember the three R’s: related, reasonable, and respectful. The consequence should relate to the behavior, be fair, and show respect for the young teen’s feelings and the right to choose how to behave.

How to help your child manage anger



AngerHelping your child manage anger is often one of the hardest—and best—things we can do as parents. The first thing to recognize is that anger is a clear symptom of the presence of deeper emotions such as frustration, disappointment, fear, and pain. If we as parents acknowledge and name these underlying feelings for our children, their anger should start to dissipate.

Say something like, “I can see that you feel sad that your brother broke your toy.” Hearing the root cause of the anger expressed outright is soothing and will help your child be able to identify and name where the emotion is coming from.

Recognize, too, that anger is a natural emotion and isn’t itself a problem. What is a problem, however, is when it’s expressed inappropriately. If your child is throwing a tantrum, it’s your job to stay calm and speak rationally, setting limits and boundaries: “I can see how angry you are and that’s OK, but you can’t hit people or break things when you feel this way.” Don’t forbid the feeling but do reiterate rules.

Along the same lines, don’t yell at a child who is feeling anger. Being yelled at reinforces his feeling of being in danger, makes him feel less safe, and does nothing to restore the calm for either of you. If you yell, you’re essentially telling your child that yelling is acceptable behavior (it’s not), as well as communicating that anger is a feeling that needs to be responded to in a scary manner.

Instead, when you notice cues that your child is getting upset, stay with her and help her work through her feelings: offer a hug, ask if she wants to leave the situation (if possible), suggest taking a few deep breaths, and make sure she doesn’t feel alone. It’s important to consistently model good behavior: if children see adults handling anger in a healthy way, they’ll learn to do the same. Avoid blaming your children for what they’re feeling, and avoid “time outs” during which you send a child away to be by himself. A much better approach is to let her know you’re there with her, grant permission to feel her feelings and to cry, and make her feel safe expressing her uncomfortable feelings by paying attention to and acknowledging them.

You can also teach your child to notice when she’s getting worked up: If a child knows that increased heart rate, breathing, and an adrenaline rush means that anger is on its way, he’ll be more empowered to manage the emotion before it hits full force. Teach him relaxation techniques that he can do when he senses these cues: breathing, drawing, walking away—whatever works best for him.

To prevent future tantrums, show your child that there are positive ways to express anger. This includes teaching her to control angry impulses and helping her find a solution to problems in the moment, whether it’s asking a sibling to apologize, promising to try to fix the toy, or simply communicating calmly what she’s feeling.

When your college graduate moves back home



Moving backIt used to be that after graduating from college, young adults would set out to create a nest of their own. Today, however, some 30% of young adults move back in with their parents—a higher proportion than any time since the 1950s.

The reasons are well-known: Our young people are flooded with student debt. They’re likely to only be able to get low-paying entry-level jobs or internships. And they can’t afford to pay today’s steep rents—much less buy a home—while they get established and build a fund that can support their independence.

When adult offspring move back in, however, the parent-child relationship can become strained, and the household’s general dynamic might become uprooted. If you have a “boomerang kid” returning home, there are a few things you can do to prepare. Most important is to set clear expectations before they move back in.

The first step is to address financial matters: Will you charge your child a nominal rent to cover their food and utilities? Asking for $100 to $200 per month is fair. If you don’t feel comfortable taking money from your child, consider that you can put that money aside and give it back once he or she moves out. This requires your child to devise some way to be earning money while staying with you.

You may also want to consider asking your child to sign a pre-move-in contract (like a lease) that sets boundaries that are agreeable to everyone. Will there be a time limit to the stay? Three months? Six months? A year? Will you require that your child be pursuing career goals? The contract could also require that your “tenant” do chores such as cleaning, cooking, or grocery shopping. In addition to helping around the house, this prevents you from enabling your child to be a “mooch” and maintains their self-respect as a functioning, contributing adult.

Decide on other rules, too: Are you OK if your child has someone of the opposite sex spend the night? Is there a time you want them to be home by (if only so you don’t have to wait up worrying)? Do you and your partner need time alone in your home at least one night a week? Communicate and agree on these things before your child lugs her suitcase back in.

There should be no guilt for either party in this situation: You did your job as a parent to prepare your son or daughter, so don’t feel bad for standing your ground. Your child is an adult now and needs to act more like a roommate than a dependent. By the same token, don’t make your child feel guilty, ashamed, or like a failure for needing to move back home. Recognize that this might be harder on your child than it is on you.

Finally, remember to make the most of this time together. This person you spent so much time and energy raising may eventually end up moving far away, and this might be your last chance to spend so much time together. So make the time as meaningful as possible: Have fun together, be a moral support system, and make yourself available for conversation and quality time. These could be memories that you’ll cherish once your kid has truly flown the coop—for good.

Sleep problems and ADHD



SleepADHD affects more than just kids’ waking hours. And in turn, sleep deprivation can make kids’ attention problems worse.

The same regions of the brain regulate both attention and sleep, so it’s harder for children with ADHD to switch into bedtime mode. Depending on which study you read, anywhere from 20 to 45% of children with ADHD have regular difficulty falling or staying asleep—that’s at least three times the rate of other children! To make matters worse, once they’re asleep, they stay that way for a shorter amount of time, and often still feel tired when they wake up. Research has shown that those diagnosed with ADHD can even have abnormal REM (rapid eye movement) patterns during sleep. Given all this, it’s easier to understand that kids with ADHD may, in addition to the other things they deal with, also be chronically sleep deprived. They’re more likely to accumulate sleep debt, which can affect the brain even more than the ADHD does.

Sometimes kids are even misdiagnosed with ADHD when what they really have is a sleep disorder. Then they’re given medications which can make the problem even worse. If your child is diagnosed with ADHD, make sure doctors have ruled out sleep issues, since improper sleep patterns can cause behavior that looks suspiciously like ADHD—but isn’t. Unlike adults, when kids are sleep-deprived, they get hyper, moody, and have trouble paying attention.

Common sleep interferences for children usually involve breathing problems, including apnea and snoring. One solution, should doctors deem it necessary, is to remove adenoids or tonsils. But you can help your child get to sleep with less invasive measures: Before resorting to anything drastic, make sure that your child has a set evening routine and a realistic, enforceable, dependable bedtime. Don’t let your child use electronics in bed, or up to an hour before bed. Try using relaxing essential oils, such as lavender, to trigger that “bedtime” feeling, and make your child’s room cooler by turning on the air conditioner a few degrees colder than usual. Taking an epsom salt bath before bed helps some kids feel relaxed and sleepy and remember to try relaxing breathing techniques and calming visualizations.

If you find that things aren’t improving, consult a professional. Especially if your child has been prescribed medications to manage ADHD, work with the pediatrician or psychiatrist to figure out whether the medications could be causing the sleep problems and explore solutions

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The Family Talking Stick



Screen Shot 2013-06-14 at 3.02.03 PMDid you ever have a talking stick when you were little? Sometimes teachers use them to teach children how to wait their turn before talking, but they are great tools for families too. A talking stick provides a simple and fun way to teach everyone in your family how to listen to other people when they are talking, as well as take turns. As with most activities I recommend, there is no one “right” way to do this…. Feel free to get creative.

  • To make a talking stick, I suggest using a plastic pole, like the ones used in plumbing from your local hardware store or perhaps the inside of a paper towel roll.
  • The next step is to gather basic art supplies. This might include permanent markers, glitter glue, foam stickers, or anything else that looks fun and creative. You might also want to add beans, rice or small pebbles in the inside of the stick to make some noise. You can cover the ends with cardboard and masking tape.
  • Sit down as a family and explain that you are going to make a family talking stick together. Invite them to decorate it, and as they do so, explain to them how it will be used.

The rules for the talking stick are simple enough that even very young children can understand them: whoever has the talking stick in their hands gets to talk. If you don’t have the talking stick, you need to wait to speak until you have it. This works well for dinnertime, car rides, or other circumstances where children may find themselves talking over each other (or fighting) a lot. The talking stick teaches them how to listen to others and wait their turn. I suggest having a time limit for how long someone can have the talking stick, and you might even keep a timer to moderate it. If you have other creative ways you’ve seen someone else use a talking stick, please feel free to share them!

Why Kids Interrupt and how to handle it



Anger-in-childrenIf you’re a parent, you know how frustrating it is when your child interrupts you. Whether you’re on an important phone call, trying to finish up some computer work, or having a face-to-face conversation with another adult, it often seems like you have an eager child competing for your attention. Why do they do this?

Kids interrupt when they have a need that only we can meet. Maybe they’re hungry or bored or bothered by a sibling. Whatever the reason, your children want you to know that they need your attention. In short, they’re focused on their needs—not yours.

But if you give it a bit of thought, you’ll realize that this demanding behavior doesn’t stem from malice or ill will. Your children are just trying to express themselves and feel that what they have to say matters.

Interruptions can also be a child’s unpolished way of entering a process or situation. When we tell them to be quiet or that we don’t have time, we send the message that their circumstance is not important.

Instead of responding harshly or dismissively, transform the interruption into a teachable moment. Instruct your child about how and when to interrupt; doing so is essential to ending the frustration. Start by giving examples of when it is actually appropriate to interrupt—like when someone is at the door, or, of course, if someone is hurt. Then decide on a gesture or signal (like raising their hand or pointer finger) that they can use to alert you to an important situation. Also decide on—and use—a signal that you’ll use to acknowledge them.

Even if their need to interrupt is actually urgent in nature and really does require your immediate attention, teach your children to remember their manners and to always say “Excuse me” if they are creating an interruption.

When children interrupt, you should always at least make eye contact with them. If their need isn’t pressing, calmly respond by saying, “Give me a minute.” And then make them wait as long as is needed for you to finish your original activity—it’s important that you don’t immediately respond to kids’ non-urgent interruptions, unless you want to reinforce this disruptive behavior.

By all means, give your children the same respect you demand from them. Acknowledge them and let them know that they matter. But also guide them toward patience and forbearance. Doing so will save you years of frustration—but perhaps more importantly, it’ll supply your kids with a critical social skill that will serve them well over the course of their lives.